Idea about Sukkos

(also from R. Aryeh Nivin- can you tell I'm in the chabura?)

To extent that we attach ourselves to Hashem, we are protected with

Siyata Di Shemaya. The Sukkah represents this protection, because it

symbolizes and reminds us that Hashem enveloped us in safety for 40

years in the desert.

Now, in this new year, we are like premature babies that can't yet

survive on our own. We are full of potential but we need a bit of help-

we've done the avodah of Yom Kippur but we don't have the power or

energy to make it all come alive. So we go into the incubator of the

Sukkah where Hashem attends to our every need and fills us with kedusha

and spiritual strength.

l'ilui Nishmas Bracha Elisheva bas Avraham

This post is l'ilui Nishmas Bracha Elisheva bas Avraham, inspired by my Tehillim group.

I had a beloved friend named Bracha Elisheva. Today is her 3^rd yahrzeit.

I always think about her at this time of year, but not just because of her yahrzeit. When she was alive and healthy I always thought of her in the Esseres Yomei Teshuva. She lived and breathed Teshuva. She led hundreds if not thousands of neshamos back to Judaism. She was lively, fun, exuberant, and thirsted deeply for closeness with Hashem.

At her levaya (she passed away from the machla when her first baby was a year old), her husband told a few stories from when they were shidduch dating that made him realize that she was not an ordinary person.

Once, their 'date' was that he would drive her to the airport (she was always on the go, flying back and forth for things kiuruv-related). She insisted that they stop at the Kosel. He had no idea why, especially looking at the time. And she answered, in her unforgettable voice which I wish you could have heard, 'YOU CAN'T LEAVE ERETZ YISROEL WITHOUT DOING TESHUVA!'. As if everyone just knew that. He also found out that her favorite chag was Yom Kippur. That part, I already knew.

We were madrichot together for the Heritage House Davening, and we used to stand together in shul. And I saw first-hand what it meant to her to daven on Yom Kippur. She would take the front row and drape a tichel over her head (like a tallis)  to block out anything in her peripheral vision. And she would proceed to cry, with a smile, and speak out loud, earnestly, to Hashem for the entire Yom Tov. And her elation, her illuminating presense, before, during, and after Yom Kippur could light up the darkest of the dark.

I've spoken to a lot of people in the last few days about Teshuva and a lot of us have a lot of reasons why we haven't gotten around to it. I wanted to just say, as the time closes in on us, that this is the time to focus on ourselves a bit- Hashem is handing out thousand-dollar-bills to anyone who wants to take just a minute to clean out their system. Again, the 4 steps are:

1.      Abandon the behavior/sin
2. Regret it
3. Commit to change in the future
4. Apologize/confess

And I know if my friend Bracha Elisheva were here today, she wouldn't just be taking advantage of this, she would be persuading everyone around her to be their best and do their best because Hashem is wonderful and there is nothing in this world to compare to being close to Him.

Teshuva is on sale NOW

What it's all really about. 

The following ideas are derived from a shiur given by R. Aryeh Nivin on the 10 Days of Teshuva, and reprinted from a post I wrote to my lovely Tehillim group:We know that a mere 3-5 minutes a day of teshuva during these 10 days are worth their weight in spiritual gold, and that we are in the absolute Prime Time of Teshuva. Teshuva is on sale now!!

The 4-step process:

1. Abandon the behavior/sin
2. Regret it
3. Commit to change in the future
4. Apologize/confess



But these steps seem confusing and beaurocratic- "what do I have to do
again?" ..."What's the order again?"...

Imagine you were stealing money from your boss for years. One day, you
stopped (step 1). You stopped because you truly felt it was wrong and
had been wrong all along (step 2). You decided you didn't want to steal
from him again (step 3). After that, you called him to admit to him that
you had done it, all of it, but you're sorry, and you didn't want to
steal from him anymore (step 4). Done!

The 4 steps flow quickly and logically if there is a relationship that
you want to be repaired. In our case, we want to repair our relationship
with Hashem.

These 10 days are not about your sins. Yom Kippur is not about your
sins. It's about your teshuva. While doing teshuva, there is no reason
to focus on the sin itself. Hashem doesn't care about your sins, He
cares about YOU. He cares that you should reach your potential in this
world! He wants you to shine your light! If your behavior is preventing
that, He wants you to get better for your sake! We do have stories of
great tsaddikim who were able to focus on their sins (ex. David Ha
Melech) without pulling themselves down into despair, but in our
generation, we are not strong enough to live on that level and it is not
required of us.

Go through the steps of teshuva on each area of your life quickly, and
then move on, without beating yourself up (Chiddushei Ha Rim). Know in
your head and your heart that those simple steps wiped it all away. Stay
out of the negative and keep moving forward. Hashem created the steps of
Teshuva because all He wants to do is love you and get nachas from you.
He doesn't want to punish you, nor does He want to see you punish
yourself. So He gave you a way to turn it all around. Your nisayonos are
not your fault- they were sent from Hashem. All that you need to do, in
the midst of the trials and tribulations of this world, is to WANT to
come close, WANT to be better, to take the next logical step in your
unique Avodah, and that's it.

Example: a woman who gets angry 10 times a day should do teshuva and TRY
to get angry only 9 times a day, and even if she gets angry 10 times,
because she tried to avoid it, it's as if she succeeded.

If we approach Yom Kippur expecting perfection and promising perfection
to Hashem, we will fail so repeatedly that it will become a meaningless
game to us, and, worst of all, we may cease to believe in ourselves. We
must have an authentic, exciting plan of growth that is suitable for
where we are holding and who we really are. This world, especially
during the 10 days of Teshuva, is all about trying to move closer to
Hashem, one small step at a time. If you sometimes fail but you are
continually TRYING, it's literally as if you've kept your commitment all
along.

Thought and Quote

Thought: Yom Kippur is called Yom Kippur (Kapparah), not Yom shel Aveiros shel ha Rasha.

Quote: "Who are you trying to impress, the Shechinah or the Shcheinah (neighboress)?" -Rav Ovadia Yosef. I think about this one a lot. It kind of feels like 'ouch' but a positive ouch. 

Erev Rosh Hashanah!

Kesiva v'Chasima Tovah and a Good and Sweet New Year!!!

In case you're worried about your standing, never forget the Gemara that says
 that you are as full of mitzvos as this Rimon is with seeds. 

See you in the new din!! 

 (for those of you wondering what that means, the Jewish New Year begins tonight, and the entire universe is  recreated anew. It will look similar, but in actuality we, and the world, will never be the same). 

A Year in Mommy Land

Shimshony Baloney- I will eventually have to stop calling him this.

My big girl with a bruise on her head. She's a climber, it happens. 

Reading older posts, from Naomi Bracha's early babyhood, I realize that so many milestones have gone by! 

She walks, she talks a bit, she 'helps', she goes to Gan (preschool). Shimshon has teeth- I'm not even sure how many! This is because he is my second child- with Naomi I knew how many teeth, how many days and weeks and months old she was, and so on. He walks a bit and is going to need real shoes (as opposed to Robeez) for Sukkos. They play little games together. 

Nowadays, I have to remind myself that Shimshon, my tiny baby, is big enough to actually play at the park. I think of her as the climber and interactor, and him as the baby in the stroller who is content to watch the branches sway in the breeze and hear the birds overhead and the sounds of the playground. Not so!
His favorite activity on the playground is to plant himself at the bottom of the slide and wait for children to basically crash into him. No joke. He also enjoys trying to eat all the bits of litter on the playground and pick up any broken glass he finds...

Rosh Hashana is on Sunday night. Shimshon's birthday is Rosh Chodesh Elul so a year ago, he was one month old and Naomi was 13 months- exactly the age that Shimshon will be on Rosh Hashana of this year. All I remember from last year's Rosh HaShana, other than the meals that people either hosted us for, or sent to our house (you know who you are and thank you so much), was a conflict: the need for Naomi Bracha to go to the park, vs. my inability to look after them both simultaneously in the park.My husband, like all husbands, was in shul (synagogue) for most of the day, and I had long hours with them that needed to be filled with park time.

But at the park, Shimshon needed to be held all. the. time. I couldn't just leave him in the bassinet at the perimeter of the playground and chase after Naomi Bracha in the park, or he would scream. Yet Naomi needed to be supervised all. the. time.

Last Rosh Hashana, I remember holding him, a one-month-old, while diving Vietnam-style to save her when she toddled over to a swing set full of big kids and sat down in the line of fire. She didn't yet have spatial awareness or a sense of danger, but she could get around all the same. It was scary.

I also remember a lady coming up to me, asking the age difference between my kids, and saying 'don't even try to cook for the next three months!' It made me feel better but I cooked anyway because, well, we were hungry. 

This year has flown by. For three main reasons:

1) I've been busier (Baruch Hashem) with my semi-twins than ever before- early mornings, mealtimes, bedtimes, bath times, multiple clothing changes per day, projects, doctor's appointments, pajamas, etc etc. 

2) We've moved out of the city and back in, within the year. That's a lot of packing and unpacking, and a lot of change. 

3) I've gone through 3 career changes (from a work-from-home tax job aka my attempt to be normal, to running a school of the arts, to focusing solely on private and group vocal coaching) since Shimshon's birth, excluding performing in Escalators which I was doing all along. Well, I was also teaching voice all along. But it wasn't my sole focus. 

These moves and the career choices were all made with the Daas Torah (consultation with our Rav) and I strongly recommend this to anyone. Don't ask questions to your Rav on Halacha alone- ask about priorities, ask about relationships, ask about your livelihood, ask about parenting! We have seen major bracha come from following our Rav's advice (okay he's a Rebbe but he's a Rav as well). It also allows us to make decisions from a broader perspective, and feel peaceful and clear about them, at the end of the day.

So this was my year in Mommy Land. I hope that I have progressed spiritually, just as my children have progressed physically. I hope I am more coordinated, more capable, more developed in my character traits than ever before. How was your year?

wow.

"The greatest Ba'al Tashchis is to waste one's life, or waste one's time."

-R.Aryeh Nivin

*baal tashchis is the Torah prohibition against destroying something unnecessarily, while it still has potential.  

Igloos and other things

In the last year-and-a-half, we've moved twice (out of Jerusalem and back in), and we now have a one-year-old baby boy named Shimshon Noach. He is Naomi Bracha's best friend, when he isn't being the bain of her existence. After all, what are little brothers for?
He does't mean to annoy her, it's just that if he's playing with a block, and she picks up a book, he throws the block aside and power-crawls to her to see the book. Or toothbrush. Or doll stroller. Or bath toy. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. And as much as she loves him, a 2-year-old needs her own space. Most 2-year-olds aren't into sharing their existence with a one-year-old who almost rivals them in size, weight, and speed.
But as far as 2-year-olds go, I am really lucky. The only time I reaaaalllly see her terrible twos are when there are igloos* involved.

An igloo, but not the kind she has tantrums about. 

*igloos are Israeli mini-popsicles that are encased in colorful plastic. I couldn't find a picture of these on google images (if you can, leave it in a comment!)

I'm baaaack (bwahahahaha)

I'm writing again. Or, rather, I'm posting again.
I've written in the last year-and-a-half, in journals and letters, but not in a public forum. And the reason was basically that at the time of my last entry, I had a scary pregnancy (that Thank G-d turned out okay) with some scary predictions as to the birth and the state of the baby (Thank G-d, that was all okay as well).

Here's the little troublemaker in action :)

But the worry that I had during that time period blocked my creativity. Instead of introspecting, my avodah (misssion) at that time was NOT to introspect- just to take care of my baby, myself, and that was about it. And to pray. So I prayed a lot.

I didn't feel like I could write about what I was experiencing, because to write is to delve. And I didn't delve, because I would not have functioned.

There was also a commentor who was making it rather unpleasant for me to write on this blog. I hate to admit that this deterred me, but it did. My intellect told me 'if you let that get to you, they've won!' But my emotions told me 'I don't want to deal with this right now. The losses outweigh the gains'. This person may very well be reading this right now, but I am not as vulnerable, so I'm okay with that.

Right now, I'm in a totally different place, so I figured I'd give it a whirl. This is something I enjoy, after all. Plus, lately, quite a few people have been asking me why I'm not writing on this blog. And right now, I don't have a strong answer as to why not. So, hi! I'm not sure where this is going and if I have time for it, but today, I'm happy to be here.